The Importance of Showing Mercy to Ourselves

This past Saturday, I was privileged to speak to a great group of women in Greenville, South Carolina, at the Faces of Mercy Catholic Conference for Moms. I was asked to present on the topic of the importance of self-care, and how, far from being selfish, self-care is actually a form of mercy. Some of you have requested to read the transcript of my talk, so here it is! 🙂

---

On the Importance of Self-Care: Showing Mercy to Ourselves

Hi everyone! I’m really so happy to be here with you today as your final presenter. And I have a little confession: this is my first time presenting at a conference like this, so please bear with me! I’ll need your mercy!

I’m Lydia – I’m originally from Savannah and now I live near in North Georgia near the Blue Ridge mountains – but the beach is always my first love. I’ve been happily wed for almost seven years to a wonderful man, and together we made three delightfully cute and crazy little people, with one more due in June. I’m glad to meet y’all here – and I would love to chat with you after the conference or over on social media!

The theme of this Conference – mercy and motherhood – is something that’s close to my heart, and I’m really happy to have this time to talk with y’all today.

First, a little background on me:

After the births of my first two babies, I went through some very difficult months of postpartum depression. It was a time of darkness and loneliness for me and it took a lot of hard work to get past it and heal.

Once I did, God really placed it on my heart to reach out to other moms who are going through the same difficulties. And one way to do that is by offering mercy, in the form of solidarity and support, to other struggling moms.

After my experiences with postpartum depression, I’ve really begun to look more closely at the relationship between mercy and motherhood.

Mercy – which is simply God’s generous and all-forgiving love – seems to go together so naturally with motherhood. We moms are some of the best at showing mercy to others, and really being a conduit of God’s mercy in the world – and that’s a gift from God.

 But there’s something else I’ve noticed since I became a mom. I see it both in social media communities and in “real life” – and going through postpartum depression made it obvious in my own life: As good as we are at showing mercy to others, we moms are not always good at extending this same mercy to ourselves.

What do I mean by that?

Well, first of all, we take such great care of others that we so often neglect our own needs. And at the same time, we can be real taskmasters – pushing ourselves without mercy to do and be everything for the ones who depend on us.

But the truth is, we need mercy so very much. And, as strange as this might sound, we need to receive it from ourselves.

There’s a little story from the life of Saint John Paul II that I think illustrates this truth beautifully.

The story is of a young mother of twins named Teresa. She was a long-time friend of John Paul, who at that time was the bishop of Krakow – but I will just call him John Paul because I will really butcher his Polish name if I keep saying it over and over. 🙂

The story is that one day Teresa wrote to John Paul to tell him of a monumental day in her life: her twins had turned two, and she was finally able to sleep through the night! All my kids are really terrible sleepers, so I totally feel this woman’s pain – and her triumph at getting a full night’s sleep!

We don’t have the rest of Teresa’s letter. But we can safely assume that her life with two-year-old twins was not a cake walk.

It’s not hard to imagine that Teresa was completely burned out.

Now I want to read to you part of John Paul’s response to Teresa’s letter, because it has such wisdom.

Dear Teresa,

I sense tiredness in your letter, which is easy to understand. You always wanted to plan and do everything rationally. And here is the kingdom of irrationality, where normal activity and energy aren’t enough…”

 It goes on, but let me just pause here for a moment.

“The kingdom of irrationality, where normal activity and energy aren’t enough.”

How many of us here understand exactly what this brilliant Saint means by the “kingdom of irrationality”?!

That really describes my life right now: I have a 5-year-old, a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a bun in the oven.

I am very often at the edge of burnout. I am very often past the edge of burnout!

There’s not a lot of sleep at my house. But there is plenty of drama – I have a 4-year-old girl, so… There are just fountains of tears. All. Day. Long.

And I spend a lot of time playing referee with my boys. I say things that a rational person shouldn’t ever have to say: “Please don’t put your boogers on your sister.” Or, “Stop licking that!” And, “We don’t pee on the clean laundry! Not ever!!”

Irrationality runs rampant in my house.

Someone very wise once said, “Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children!” I definitely feel myself going insane some days.

But lest you think I hate my life — I promise you, we do laugh and play and love each other dearly!

But my point here is that burnout is real, and it’s not pretty.

Despite the many beautiful moments of my day as a mom, I also spend a lot of time feeling exhausted and wondering if I really have what it takes to live — and love — this vocation. And I don’t think I’m alone in these feelings.

As John Paul said to his friend: normal activity and energy just aren’t enough for life with little people – and maybe not for any stage of parenting.

So what’s the answer here? Well, going back to the story: here’s what John Paul said to Teresa. You might be surprised!

He said, “You need to wait things out, some time to do nothing, and, simply, patience.”

Notice how mercifully he answered her.

He didn’t scold Teresa. He didn’t accuse her of not loving her vocation. He didn’t tell her to pray more or try harder, or to suck it up. Instead, he offered mercy, empathy, and understanding.

And something more. And this is really important: He advised her to take some time to do nothing.

Translated into our modern verbiage, we might say that John Paul was actually recommending that his friend try some self-care. I think John Paul recognized Teresa’s burnout. And he was offering a solution.

Moms are superheroes in a lot of ways. Raising children is, hands down, the most difficult job on the planet.

We love our kids dearly – we’d walk through fire for them!

And there are seasons when we are called to do that – to really lay down our lives in profound ways for our children – like when they’re newborns and they expect to eat and poop every two hours all night long. {I have a reeeeally hard time with this.}

But loving our children doesn’t mean that we always have to ignore our own needs. Sometimes, yes. But our needs and those of our kids don’t have to be at odds all the time.

Instead, mercy should really compel us to make time to care for our own needs – not just the needs of our families.

 This is not being lazy. It’s not being selfish. It’s simply showing mercy to ourselves, in the same way that we show it to those we love.

And I believe this is a very necessary aspect of living our vocations of motherhood well. Actually, I’d even argue that this kind of mercy makes us better moms!

And a bonus? The more we show mercy to ourselves, the more merciful we become to our families. It’s a win-win!

 So, in the spirit of Saint John Paul’s wisdom, now I want to offer my four favorite ways to practice merciful self-care on a daily basis.

As a side note: there are many basic self-care principles, like getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising — taking care of our basic needs. So I’m assuming here that at least the very basics are already being met in your life – if not, take care of the basics first!

These ideas for merciful self-care that I’m about to offer are to help you really arrive at a flourishing life: we want to thrive, not just survive!

I think the First Way we can practice merciful self-care is to stop trying to be the perfect mom.

I’m going to spend a few minutes here, because I think this is really so important.

We have such misguided ideas of what a “good” or a “perfect” mom should be.

The parenting world is full of strong opinions about what the “good” mom or the “perfect” mom looks like. She has to do it all and get it right: parent this way; cook these meals; wear these clothes; work out of the home, work in the home, don’t work at all; volunteer this much; homeschool; no, don’t homeschool — send your kids to this school…the list is long.

And this leads us to a lot of self-doubt. And we begin to play the comparison game.

This is something I think most moms struggle with at times.

You know how it goes: “Look at her, she’s always so happy and so put together! And her kids have the most perfect birthday parties, and she makes the cutest Pinterest crafts…and I wish I could be like her!”

{Tell me y’all have had this conversation in your head at some point – I’m not the only one, right?}

This is a sad way to live. Comparison is the thief of joy, as the saying goes.

 I recently saw a meme on Facebook {from Catholic Sistas} that I loved and I hope it really hit home for every woman who read it. It said:

Good moms have messy homes, clean homes; dirty dishes, clean dishes; moments of conquering Mt. Washmore, and times when the laundry conquers all; happy kids, disgruntled kids; bad days, good days.

But most of all, good moms won’t waste their time measuring others, or their own worth, by what they did or didn’t do.”

We need to let this sink into our hearts. A “good mom” can look so many ways. I’m looking into this audience and right now I see the faces of a hundred different good moms! I truly believe this!

Your worth isn’t found in whether or not you measure up to someone else’s life. Or to the world’s idea of a perfect mom.

 I’ve had to really learn this the hard way in my own life. Struggling twice with postpartum depression really left me feeling inadequate and completely incapable as a mother. I’ve had to rethink, several times, my own expectations of motherhood – what a “good” mother is.

And I’ve come to this very liberating realization: My worth comes from the very fact that I was loved into existence by God. And this is where your worth comes from too.

And my “perfection” as a mother, as a wife, as a woman – is found only in how well I love. And so is yours.

I’m not making this up! All the saints tell us this. I especially love this quote from St. John of the Cross: “In the evening of life, you will be judged on love alone.”

Notice that he doesn’t comment on homemaking skills or parenting choices. He says: “In the evening of life you will be judged on love alone.”

Why is this? Because Heaven is the real goal we’re striving for.

Not a Martha Stewart living room. This isn’t to say that homemaking and parenting styles aren’t important! But they’re only a means to the end goal.

We need to start – right now – to let go of the false ideas of what “the good mom” is.

The truth is this: a good mom is a woman who knows that her vocation is to love well – a good mom is someone who strives to cultivate a perfect love for the little humans that God has given to her.

And one powerful way to love them is by mercifully caring for ourselves.

I know, this seems to go against what we think: that self-care is selfish and “good moms” are always happy just being and doing for their kids.

But this isn’t true. Good moms need caring for just like anyone else. This isn’t selfishness.

And, the more we intentionally make time to care for ourselves, the better we’ll be able to love and care for our children and our spouses. {Ask me how I know.}

So the First Way to show mercy to yourself is to stop trying to be the perfect mom. Strive for perfect love and holiness instead.

The Second Way to practice daily merciful self-care is to spend purposeful time on your soul.

A strong prayer life is something we moms all really need, right? But actually making it happen is another story. Because kids.

Before I was a mom, I enjoyed a pretty regular rhythm of Mass and Adoration every day. I thought I had arrived at all kinds of holy.

But ever since my first newborn, it’s another story. Between mommy brain and sleepless nights, I almost don’t even remember how to pray anymore. Some days, it seems like all I can manage is “Dear Lord, please let this kid take.his.nap.!!!!”

BUT! Catholic tradition is brilliant. We totally have a solution for busy moms. It’s called the Morning Offering, and it’s really a treasure – all the wisest and holiest ones recommend it.

When we start the day with a morning offering, we unite ourselves to Christ on the Cross. This allows us to intentionally open ourselves wide to His grace and His will for us in each moment. And then we are praying with our very lives.

Because it’s not always about what or how much we pray. It’s more about the intention of our hearts throughout the day. And this is good news for moms.

But don’t stop with just the Morning Offering! The Sacraments are really the icing on your soul’s cake! If you’re in a place in life where you can, make time in your schedule to go to daily Mass and not just Sundays. And frequently make use of the Sacrament of Confession – that great Sacrament of mercy.

I know that when I skip this aspect of my self-care, both my family and I suffer. But when I’m making time for Jesus on purpose – even only a few minutes daily – it makes a huge difference in my general attitude as a mom.

So make time for Him. Communing with the Lord is very powerful self-care.

The Third Way to practice daily self-care is to pursue your passion.

This may be shocking to some of you, but I don’t believe the common assumption that “a good mom” has to find all of her fulfillment in being a mother. This puts way too much pressure on ourselves and our kids!

First of all, God alone can completely fulfill us. And only in Heaven.

And secondly, our vocations as wives and mothers are the path to our holiness – and they are very personalized to each of us.

God created each of us with an array of gifts, talents, and desires. And we are called to use these as wives and mothers. First, for the benefit of our families, but they’re also for the whole world.

So…what makes your heart sing? What would you spend your time doing if you allowed yourself a break from the everyday grind? Sewing, crafting, cooking, writing, blogging, sky diving, gardening…

Find that passion, whatever it may be, and pursue it.

St. Zelie Martin – the mother of St. Therese – is one of my patron saints. One of the many things that draws me to her is that she was an entrepreneur and a holy go-getter. She started her own business – a very successful lace-making business – as a young woman. And even though she had five children and a husband, she still made time to pursue her passion.

But here’s the thing: she found the right balance. Zelie loved her business and devoted a lot of time and effort to it. But she also lovingly cared for her husband {who is also a canonized saint!} and her children, and never neglected them.

She kept her eyes on Heaven. And she loved well.

So it is possible to pursue your passion and be a good wife and mom. And as long as love guides your choices, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it! Zelie didn’t.

Pursuing your passion is good self-care.

Finally, the Fourth Way to practice self-care: Build your support system.

I love what C.S. Lewis says about friendship:

Friendship happens at that moment when one says to another, ‘What! You, too? I thought I was the only one.’”

Friendship is important to cultivate in every season of life, but I think moms are especially in need of good friendships – these are our support system.

We need other women, other moms, to help us through the self-doubt and overwhelm that sometimes overtakes us as moms. To share in the joys and triumphs of life with children. And we need to do it for them, too.

It’s also so important to invest time becoming closer friends with your husband. It’s you two against all the crazy kids! You support each other in your vocations, unlike anyone else can.

So make time for him, make time to be friends, as well as partners and lovers. Nurture your marriage.

Good friends are a gift. And friendship takes work. But it’s so worth it to have someone by your side to let you know that you are not “the only one.”

Friendship can go a long way for exhausted, burned out moms.

There are many, many other ways to practice self-care – these are just my four favorites. But find the best way to care for you.

As you leave today, I challenge you to let go of any guilt that you may feel in taking time to just “do nothing,” as St. John Paul said – to take care of your own needs.

What can you do this week, today, to show mercy to yourselves?

Self-care is not selfishness. When love guides you, self-care is truly a form of mercy.

And you are worth it! You are worth it!

I want to leave you with these words from John Paul II, in his encyclical Mulieris Dignitatem, On the Dignity of Women.

Just listen to his words, and know that they are meant for each one of you, personally:

 The Church gives thanks for each and every woman: for mothers … for women who watch over the human persons in the family, which is the fundamental sign of the human community; … for “perfect” women and for “weak” women – for all women as they have come forth from the heart of God in all the beauty and richness of their femininity; as they have been embraced by His eternal love.

Let’s end with a prayer to Mary, the Mother of Mercy. Let’s ask her to help us to love well, and to be merciful moms.

Hail, holy Queen…